Dealing with Difficult People: 17 Tips to Keep You Sane

WebMD Commentary from "Good Housekeeping" Magazine

By Sarah Felix

Use the following strategies to end the emotional tug-of-war, once and for all.
like to imagine that I’m a kind, patient person. That I embody calm when confronted with prickly personalities. That their aggravations roll off me like water off a duck’s back. But this delusion is quickly dispelled every time I have a run-in with a difficult person.

Take last week: My friend (let’s call her Liz) and I decided to meet at noon for lunch. She’s often late, so I took my time walking over to the café. But mid-stroll, I became paranoid that Liz would be punctual for once, so I rushed to be there on the dot. She was nowhere to be seen. I breathed deeply, rationalizing that now I had some coveted alone time. That lasted all of four minutes. At 12:08, I called Liz on her cell, convinced I’d given her the wrong address. She never picked up. Ten minutes later, she showed up with a big smile and zero apology.

“Oh, don’t be mad at me. You know I’m always late,” she said. “It’s just part of my personality. Besides, haven’t you enjoyed all the great people watching?" My reaction was less like a duck, more like a rabid dog. The worst part was that my emotional equilibrium had been knocked off-kilter. It took me a good 15 minutes to calm down enough to actually enjoy spending time with my friend.

Trying personalities like Liz’s are everywhere — in your home (possibly sharing your bed), at the office, in your book club. They may even be complete strangers. What makes them difficult may be an undisputed character flaw — they’re sycophantic or self-centered or perpetually gloomy — or simply a quirk that rubs you the wrong way. But inevitably, a brush with them leaves you fuming or at least out of sorts.

Instead of devising elaborate avoidance schemes or barbed comebacks, you can change your dynamic with these sanity stealers. Use the following strategies to end the emotional tug-of-war, once and for all.
Turn the Spotlight on You

“You must change how you react to people before you can change how you interact with them,” says Rick Kirschner, N.D., coauthor of Dealing with People You Can’t Stand. That requires some self-examination.

People who irritate us usually have something to show us about ourselves. “Ask yourself: How is this person holding up the mirror to me?” suggests Sandra Crowe, author of Since Strangling Isn’t an Option. For example, being around my chronically late friend reminds me how quick-tempered and impatient I can be — not my favorite traits. Reminding myself of this may keep me from bouncing off the walls when I find myself waiting for her yet again.


If it’s a good friend or intimate, think, too, about your own behavior in the relationship. Have you contributed to the strain by saying yes instead of no too many times? Did you neglect to signal early on that something was bothering you? “If you don’t look at your own actions, you end up making the other person 100 percent of the problem,” explains Susan Fee, author of Dealing with Difficult People: 83 Ways to Stay Calm, Composed, and in Control. That also puts the solution squarely in her hands — and out of yours.

Delving into the root cause of your frustration can turn up problem-solving insights. Fee provides an example from her own life: “When I first got married, my mother-in-law drove me crazy. She was always hovering and intrusive. But after asking myself again and again why she bothered me so much, I realized what was going on: Her behavior was foreign to me because I never knew what it was like to be mothered — when I was 12, my mom had a debilitating stroke. It became clear that this was just my mother-in-law’s way of showing her love for me. Once I understood that, our relationship improved.”
Switch Perspectives
“Most of the time, difficult people just want something different than we do,” says Ronna Lichtenberg, author of Work Would Be Great If It Weren’t for the People. “Or they handle things differently.”

It’s no surprise, then, that you may be your difficult person’s difficult person. It could be a matter of opposite outlooks: Super-friendly people, for instance, may be at odds with all-business-all-the-time types — and vice versa. The same goes for laid-back folks and workaholics. Understanding those basic differences gives you a glimpse of someone else’s viewpoint, which may help temper your irritation.

If you’re having trouble feeling empathetic toward someone you care about, try analyzing her behavior. This strategy worked for Alicyn Mindel, a mom of two from Providence who struggled for years with her friend “Dina,” who was a terrible listener. “Whenever I started talking about my personal problems, she would turn the conversation around to herself. Then, one day, a different pal was talking about attention-starved people, and I realized Dina fit the description perfectly. From that moment on, every time Dina and I got together, I gave her a big, long hug. The transformation was amazing: She became warmer, more open, and over time, she started asking me about my life — without segueing into her own issues.”
Choose Your Approach

Armed with your insights, you now need to decide whether to confront the perpetrator. As a general rule, you should talk things over only with someone you’re close to, whether that’s your husband or a longtime colleague. It’s probably not worth stirring the pot if you only see him once a month, like an in-law or acquaintance on the PTA board. (For people you don’t know at all — say, the salesclerk who’s more interested in her cell phone chat than in helping you — you’ll need a different strategy.)

You can also skip the conversation if you know it will fall on deaf ears, or if you suspect it will be taken the wrong way. That was the case with Mindel: “I never addressed the issue with Dina because she tends to be defensive. I knew I’d have a better chance of fixing our friendship by changing my actions.” A good litmus test for determining whether or not to start a conversation is first to imagine the worst-case scenario. Then ask yourself, Will our relationship survive? If you’re confident it will, set up a time to talk. If it won’t, try a tactic that’s less confrontational.

Start a Dialogue...

Before you say anything, you have to do a little homework. How exactly do you want the behavior to change? In the long term, what are you expecting from this relationship? Until you can answer those questions, you’re not ready to talk to anyone.

If you fear a bad reaction, plan ahead: “Figure out in advance how you’re going to respond,” advises Fee. “Will you walk away? Breathe deeply until he calms down?” This exercise can also help you focus on what might trigger a heated response.

Make sure no one will interrupt the conversation and pick a time when you’re not hungry or tired, so you can give it your full attention.
...And Follow These Talking Tips
Start the conversation with sincere flattery — it’s especially effective if you’re afraid you’re going to hurt someone’s feelings. With loved ones, “explain that the reason you’re having this talk is that you care so much and want to improve the relationship,” suggests Fee.
Call out the behavior, not the person. “You need to learn how to separate the individual from the act,” Lichtenberg explains. “Confronting someone is not so different from disciplining a kid. You don’t say to your child, ‘You’re bad!’ You say, ‘It’s bad that you drew on the wall.’”
Cite specific examples of what’s bothering you. Avoid vague comments like, “You’re such a snob.” Instead say, “Last week, you made three disparaging comments about the clothes I was wearing.”
Spell out what you want to change. The next time your Freud-wannabe friend tries to be your personal shrink, you can say, “I appreciate your advice, and I know you want to be helpful. But most of the time, I really just want an ear. I’m telling you this because I want to be able to share things with you.”
Request feedback as soon as possible. If you don’t, it can turn into a lecture. Right away ask, “What do you think about what I’ve said?” Or, “Have you been feeling the same way?”
Pay attention to more than your words. “Only 7 percent of communication is what you’re actually saying — the rest is your tone of voice, expression, and body language,” says Kimberly Alyn, author of How to Deal with Annoying People.
Take a Less Direct Approach

Sitting down for a heart-to-heart won’t work with everyone. At times it’s better to resolve an issue in a more roundabout way, even with loved ones. For example, humor can be especially effective. If your sister has a habit of psychoanalyzing you every time you chat, Alyn suggests saying, “Wow, I feel like I should be lying on a couch for this. How much do I owe you?” Here, more ways to fix those frustrating interactions:
Put the difficult person to good use. When Bette Walter, an entrepreneur in Blue Bell, PA, is considering a new business move, she turns to a friend who always shoots down her plans: “I ask her what she thinks before she can tell me what a dumb idea it is. She’s very logical, so it’s helpful.” For know-it-alls, steer the conversation toward a topic you’re interested in, so you can at least learn something until you can make your getaway.
Remember this rule: If you can predict it, you can plan for it. “If you see an incessantly forlorn coworker walking your way, get up and leave your desk,” says Kirschner. “Or pick up the phone and pretend you’re speaking to someone. If you stop listening to her, she’ll eventually stop coming over.”
Get the last word. If someone is giving you unsolicited advice, saying “Thanks” will usually put an end to her rant. When you’re around a braggart, just smile, advises Crowe. Then reply, “Wow, that’s really great. I’m so happy for you.”
Plan an exit strategy. When you can’t get a chatty person off the phone, pretend that you’ve been interrupted by someone else, so you can quickly say, “Sorry, gotta go.”
Take a Less Direct Approach continued...

My ultimate strategy is to remind myself that every strength is a weakness and every weakness, a strength. Yes, my friend Liz is always late, but her time-isn’t-an-issue attitude also makes her relaxed and carefree — and that’s what I love about her. The next time we meet, I plan to bring a good book. Or maybe I’ll just tell her to meet at 11:40 instead of noon, so that we both show up right on time.



Originally published on: February 28, 2008

Key cancer spread gene found

The gene plays a role in many cases of breast cancer


Scientists have pinpointed a gene linked to more than half of all breast cancers.

The gene, NRG1 (neuregulin-1), is also thought to play a role in many bowel, prostate, ovarian and bladder tumours.

The University of Cambridge team said the breakthrough should provide "vital information" about how cancer spreads.

Experts agreed the finding, published in the journal Oncogene, could represent a very significant advance in the fight against cancer.
I believe NRG1 could be the most important tumour suppresser gene discovery in the last 20 years
Dr Paul Edwards
University of Cambridge


The Cambridge team showed that the gene - which helps to suppress the growth of cancer - is located on chromosome 8.

Cancerous cells are known often to miss part of that chromosome, and when the researchers analysed breast cancer samples they found that at least part of the key gene had often been lost.

Everybody is born with an intact NRG1 but it seems that in some cases it can become damaged - leaving the way open for cancer to thrive.

Lead researcher Dr Paul Edwards said: "I believe NRG1 could be the most important tumour suppresser gene discovery in the last 20 years as it gives us vital information about a new mechanism that causes breast cancer.

"We have got strong evidence that the gene is implicated in breast cancer but we have no reason to think it's not the same for other cancers, including prostate and colon cancer.

"Finding out what genes have been turned off in these cancers is enormous help in understanding what has gone wrong with their biology."

Arlene Wilkie, of the Breast Cancer Campaign, which part-funded the study, said: "Knowing the identity of this gene will lead to far more detailed studies of how it works and how it is involved in breast cancer development.

"This research is a major step forward in understanding the genetics of cancer and could open up a host of new strategies to improve diagnosis and treatment."

Lesley Walker, of the charity Cancer Research UK, which also funded the study, said more research was now needed to understand how the gene was silenced, and how exactly it influences the development of cancer.

She said: "It might then be possible to develop ways to bypass the gene or target treatments to the defect."

Source: BBC NEWS/Health

Jargon Word of the Day - Sunday November 22, 2009

good thing

The layman version: a beneficial or positive feeling about something. The hacker version: self-evidently wonderful to anyone in a position to notice. As in, "The Trailblazer's 19.2K baud PEP mode with on-the-fly Lempel-Ziv compression is a good thing for sites relaying netnews."

It may also be something that can't possibly have any ill side-effects and may save considerable grief later, as in, "Removing the self-modifying code from that shared library would be a good thing." When said of software tools or libraries, as in, "YACC is a good thing," it specifically connotes that the thing has drastically reduced a programmer's workload. The phrase came from hackers long before it came from Martha Stewart.

Five Things I Do Every Day

by Thomas M. Schmitz


Engage
Minewould not be much of a career if I didn’t engage in actual work. Like attorneys and doctors, I approach my profession as a practice and I strive to give every client my best effort. The nice thing about working is that it gives you experience. Every new task, project or client helps me to accomplish even better work.


Learn
I go out of my way to learn something new every day. While it's easy to think in terms of learning practical applications such as new skills or techniques, gathering industry information is important too. Keep up with your professional culture. Stay abreast of the business climate. Understand the newest rules and regulations. Know which competitors are growing or struggling. Know who's hiring, even if you're not looking for a new job.


Knowing everything you can about your work, profession and industry prepares you to recognize and take advantage of opportunities.


Network
Who you know is more important than what you know. Yes, it's a worn, tired cliche. I don't care; it's true. Meeting other members of your profession helps you to learn about what's going on in your industry, which will lead to new opportunities. It's where trade secrets and little known techniques get passed along. But the best reason to network? It's fun. There's nothing like going to the occasional after-work party, conference or event to renew excitement and recharge your mental batteries.


Teach
Teaching serves two important purposes. First, sharing your knowledge with others is admirable, it’s a contribution to your profession. And when you teach you become an expert. Organizing your knowledge and experience into coherent communicable bits forces you to understand what you know. The act of presenting itself reinforces your knowledge and will make you more comfortable and reliable during other types ofhigh-pressure situations.


When you teach people they perceive you as the expert and as a leader. That's a good reputation to foster, especially when you're pursuing new clients or career growth. Whether you’re training a fellow employee, presenting at a conference or lecturing at your local community college, teaching gives back far more than it takes.


Evangelize
Do you cheer for your profession? Do you volunteer at conferences and events? Do you serve on an industry group or association committee?


If you love your work then you owe it to yourself and your profession to tell other people, often and enthusiastically. If you desire progress in your career, seek opportunities to serve. Volunteer. Organize. Produce events. Like teachers, evangelistsbecome recognized as experts. Colleagues desire to meet them and to become friends.

How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit

We are all different yet we have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. Why? Because the marketing business makes money, because others compare us to themselves or other people, because some people get a boost out of putting us down, and from all these experiences we start feeling not good enough. Comparing yourself to others is unhealthy and unnecessary. Here's how to stop.

Steps

1. Recognize that comparing yourself to others is a bad habit. Culture often projects flawless skin, big eyes, full lips, small nose, pure white teeth, smooth and shiny hair, curvy body, and designer clothes for women and they portray them as being happy. They portray tall men with flawless skin, six packs, and designer clothes with lots of women, and they define that that is what makes a man happy. Culture is extremely successful in being able to brainwash people into believing they should look a certain way, act a certain way, be a certain someone, when in reality every single one of us is different. What culture does is categorize people and they want you to believe that you have fewer rights to be happy because you do not fit an idealistic lifestyle. That's why lots of men and women resort to plastic surgery, hide away from society, and grow up thinking that there's something wrong with them. Comparing yourself to others, especially celebrities, is a fine way to throw your self-esteem down the drain as there will always be those who are 'better' than you, and those who are 'worse' than you. In the end you will most likely end up wishing you were different with thoughts of worthlessness. It takes you nowhere, wastes a lot of time, and puts you in a psychologically terrible place.
   
2. Realize that everybody is different, because we are.People are born to be different; no two of us are the same. We have different mindsets, we interpret things differently, we have different experiences, we feel different emotions. Even identical twins are different from each other. We all will always have room for improvement; nobody is flawless, whether it is on the outside or on the inside. As much as some people may want to believe otherwise, nobody is perfect.It would be wise to stop letting people get to you, and be open-minded and aware of what you are doing to others. Something you can do is start thinking how different they are from you.
   
3. Stop being afraid to be yourself.Whatever size, color, religion, gender, race, or sexual orientation, don't be afraid to be yourself. Nobody but you has the right to dictate what you do, what you think, and what you believe in. There is only one you; nobody has more rights over another person to live. Everybody comes into the world the same way; we all age, feel, analyze, and eventually die, so nobody is more special than another. We are all different. If you've forgotten who you are, find yourself again.
   
4. Forgive and learn. Learn to recognize that holding a grudge only ties you down from what you really want out of life. Untie the knot and set yourself free. Better yet, analyze and learn what actually hurt you, and prevent it from happening again in the future.
   
5. Understand that not everything is possible.You might have heard the saying, 'nothing is impossible'. In reality that's only denialism and false hope. You can't fly, change the weather, time-travel, change the past, live forever, make someone else change unless they are willing to, fit in with everybody, or be somebody else. There are many more things that cannot happen in reality. Be yourself and appreciate where you are now.
   
6. Learn to deal with change and embrace it.
   
7. Whatever makes you happy, whatever floats your boat. If you feel you need self-improvement and have set yourself an attainable goal, go for it. If you believe that you really need change, do it now. Be sure that you're doing it because it will make you happier, rather than impressing somebody else. For example, stop swearing if it makes you feel better. Learn to meditate. Start helping others. Learn a new skill. Improve your reading speed. Learn how to write poetically, work towards a better grade, be nicer to someone, try to be more outgoing, train yourself to run faster, learn how to wear makeup better, find clothes that will fit your frame, be a better wikiHow contributor, work harder towards that promotion, learn to better manage your time, change your habit of being a perfectionist, etc. Do it because you feel good about it, not because you feel bad about yourself. This is your life.
   

Tips

• Don't be afraid to put yourself first. You have needs, too. Take care of yourself. If you have a tendency to bend over backwards for others, read How to Stop Being a People Pleaser and How to Overcome Martyr Syndrome.
  
• Make some mutual friends.
  
• It's better to be the original you than to be a copy of somebody else.
  
• Learn to be patient and accepting with others. This can take a lot of training to do, but in the long run it will be beneficial for everyone.
  
• Realize that some methods can work for many others but not for you. When this happens, don't quit. Keep searching.
  
• Learn from your experience.
  
• If you don't have a solid way yet, find a way to let out your anger, frustrations, disappointments and concerns, a way that you can depend on - such as keeping a journal, making a blog, making music, talking or writing about it with someone you trust.
  
• It's better to do it now than think back sometime in the future and ask yourself, "what if?". It's better to get hurt then recover from it than having to accept that you lived a very dull life, realizing that you were the one who held you back.
  
• You can never be too old to dream, and it's never too late to achieve your dream, one way or another.
  
• Some things can be done and changed overnight; other things cannot be. Habits for example, can be extremely difficult to drop. Don't be discouraged. Comparing yourself to others is a bad habit a lot of people have. It can take some time to change. Don't give up. Think about it this way; if you don't ever give up, you can't ever fail.
  
• If you've ever felt like giving up on life but came back from the thought, it's because you have hope in you. Hold onto that hope. Always have hope in whatever you do, wherever you are.
  

Warnings

• Beating yourself is a waste of time, energy, and self-esteem.
  
• Don't allow other people to compare you with others, either.
  
• Don't encourage others if you don't want to hear it. Don't make fun of yourself; others may start thinking it's acceptable to make fun of you.
  
• Don't accumulate unnecessary pressure. Let others do their part too. If they don't, make them. If they won't, just let it be. If you have too many responsibilities, chances are you won't be able to accomplish what you really want to, or even need to.
  
• While comparing yourselves to others in excess is generally unfavorable while also conducive to paranoid behavior and depression, keep in mind it is important to still remain competitive in some measure to be successful.
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Be Yourself
  
• How to Be Happy
  
• How to Get Rid of Anger
  
• How to Stop Taking Things Personally
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Stop Comparing Yourself to Others. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

   

What is life about? Winning? Losing? All happens to everyone from time to time. The only thing that really matters is how one manages to overcome the problems and losses.

   Today’s life is full of Life Challenges. We live in the world that is becoming a so-called ‘’Global Village’’. People are connected with each other no matter which part of the world they live in.  And many problems they sometimes face are very much alike in spite of one’s location. Sometimes it’s hard to cope with life impacts on you. It’s always good to have something or somebody to relay on.